Sometimes I have to sit down and actually think about why it is that I continue to stay here and be around the few people that I let into my life, what about them keeps me there with them and going day in and day out with all the shit and all the stress.
Sometimes I just feel like I’m around for some of these people just so that they have a drone with a face to talk at and unleash whatever is bothering them at the time onto me without realizing that I take in all that stress. Make it my own, and have my own stuff coming in on top of it, building it up higher, and higher, and higher like I’m a pack mule and you all are just putting on your bags and stacking it up until I can’t even stand on my own weight and I have to look to someone totally uninvolved to help me carry myself when I can’t even stand on my own anymore.
I love my friends, and the people who I allow into my life, and I do my best to try and make them happy, and to feel good about themselves and whatever situation they may be in, and to try and realize that it could always be worse, and when you are at the end, all you can do is try to make things get better.
I have my own problems to deal with, even though when I hear about some things happening with other people that could be bigger than my own problems, I still feel obligated to put my own troubles aside and try to lend a hand to the people around me. I want to be that smile that can help you get up if you are down, but I don’t want to be your reason to keep living, or breathing, or to always get up and to always walk forward and keep moving and trudging for me.
I don’t want the responsibility to be the one to blame if you fall.
I’m a friend, I’m not your pack mule, or something to just be played with should you have need of me, I’m not an old toy or something to be thrown away when you are done.
I feel like some of you fail to take into account that I am just a human.
I can’t make things better for you, or ease all your burdens, or take away your pain and suffering and sacrifice. I’m just a person who wants to see the people around me flourish and grow and become stronger than they are. To rise above it all, and when you look back on yourself and be able to say I’m better than I was before, I’m stronger, happier, I’m new and free of that burden that used to be there.
I am not a rock that you can tie your problems to and let go to sink into the ocean and let me drown at the bottom with it.
I am an empathic human being, so much so that if someone standing next to me is in such pain and suffering on the inside I can feel it within me. You fail to realize that when you are hurting, even if I haven’t experienced your pain directly I can feel it through you, and it is a weight on me.
My friends are supposed to be everything to me.
I treat you all with the utmost esteem and regard.
People that I am supposed to be able to trust, but that don’t seem to regard me as more than a jar filled with paper scraps with problems scribbled on the sides and emotions on the other.
Ha, some people reading this I’m sure can think of someone like this they have in their lives, whether or not they are that person or not is up to the discretion of their own minds… I know who and what I am, it is not my job or my duty to drag others unto their destiny, to force them to discover who they are… If you cannot see it for yourself, then you are to keep looking and hunting and striving for that discovery, if you don’t know then you can’t make it someone else’s job to learn for you.
Discovery is made through pain, and sacrifice, and perseverance.
No one has ever just sat back and made something of themselves by letting life happen to them and rolling over and taking it.
Those who have success have worked for it, taken their fate into their own hands and twisted it and changed it and morphed it into something they can’t wait to have come into their lives. They have been beaten, and bruised, and maimed, and demeaned but with everything comes sacrifice, comes effort.
Who I am is not your pack mule, or your foot stool, or door mat to walk all over and put everything into and expect me to change it for you or to give you the answers.
No one gave me my answers.
No one ever will just hand you the answers.
If you want to be happy, if you want success, and greatness, and your dreams to come true, and to be everything you possibly can be.
Then you have to make the effort to do it.
I have a story of my own, and I intend to let it continue to unfold and unravel and lead me down my own path in life, you all can’t share my road, because it’s mine to travel and mine alone.
You have your own road to travel, you will find it when you are ready for it, and I will not be the thing that brought it to you or took it away from you or anything… I’ll just be that person standing next to you with a smile saying “you did it” once you finally land on your path in life.
And as that friend, on that day I will be so very proud.